J.D. Carriere

Drop Kick a Leftist

2011-12-13T20:45:00.003-05:00

There's a link everyone's posting to Facebook about the CBC and pro-wrestling. In the usual way of smug leftists, the clear suggestion is that stupid common folk like wrestling and that the CBC, even if it is a lot of dull crap, is favoured by intelligent people - who don't go in for that flashy low-brow stuff.

But if it's the really brilliant set who's watching CBC, why they can't pay for it themselves? Why must they use the taxing power of the state to confiscate wages from the simple-stupid wrestling fan, in order to keep their ratings-failure on the air?

The answer is, because they can. For all the drivel they mouth about fairness and equity, being a leftist is really about being a snob. They wouldn't pay taxes to fund your viewing choices, but they expect you to fund theirs. Because they think you're stupid and that they're better than you, they think they're entitled to your money.

So strike a blow for fairness, and drop kick a leftist.

Purple Day

2010-10-11T23:32:00.002-04:00

Coming via email and facebook groups, there is an effort afoot to get a lot of people to wear purple on some particular date "To Commemorate the Suicides Caused by Homophobia".

On hearing of such tragic events, one questions the fortitude of the self-killers at issue. I am not aware, for instance, of a single spider killing himself owing to arachnephobia or a lot of foxy Japanese-American broads committing hara-kiri over the twin scourges of caligynephobia and xenophobia.

The Epilepsy Association people are going to be a annoyed. They've been holding a "Wear Purple Day" for years; not, as one might assume, to commemorate the suicides caused by hylephobia, but rather to raise awareness about epilepsy.

Apparently it hasn't worked all that well, probably because they picked such a sissy colour.

2010-10-08T00:00:00.003-04:00

Don't actually watch this movie. It's very violent.

Sappy Urban Liberals often say that right-thinking people are mean. They say this with a straight face because they believe it. They believe a lot of stupid things.

It's true that People who Aren't Morons scorn the Warmist Mother-gaia Kooks because they're ridiculous, but as the ad above gives away, we're not the ones to suggest or play on their murder or the murder of their children.

Adults with the intellectual honesty and emotional stability of children are almost always leftist.

Once they get enough power under their little totalitarian belts, their hissy fits frequently turn murderous. Thank God they're only fantasizing about it yet.

I assure you, Dear Reader, that I am a nature lover. My children have all been diapered in cloth dried on a line. Composting is my hobby. I am not cool, but my gardens are. I have a reel mower. These are my bona fides.

But that man's activities are changing the climate is a dirty lie, unsupported by science. This lie has been promoted by depopulationists who are on Satan's payroll, for the purpose of promoting the hatred of Man which is the Devil's purpose.

Perhaps the saddest thing about it all, is that this lie has been swallowed by countless ordinary men of goodwill who, feeling the deep longing of the human condition, but unable to correctly identify it (owing to the failing of the Church in these terrible times) grab on to stupid and useless causes in place of the unfathomable greatness for which Man truly is made.

All the best sentences take up a whole paragraph.

Higher Things

2010-09-14T23:55:00.000-04:00

I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor.
-Henry David Thoreau

In a public place recently I saw one of those electric stair-lifts like the one the Gremlins used to launch the old lady out the window. What I hadn't seen ever before was posted there on the wall: an Ontario License for Elevating Devices.

So it goes.

Citizens, it seems, must avoid elevating themselves unless they have received the requisite permissions; and so they do.

Dependence Day

2009-07-03T20:59:00.002-04:00

President Barack Obama, by Executive Order, Hereby decrees, July 4, Dependence Day. We HOPE! you enjoy the CHANGE!

May God Help America.

Dominion Day

2009-07-01T23:58:00.003-04:00

The Maple Leaf

Our Emblem Dear,

The Maple Leaf Forever.

God save our Queen and heaven bless,

The Maple Leaf Forever.

What I Learned Today

2009-04-26T22:38:00.001-04:00

Oompah Loompah-style retribution: Good.

Earth Day

2009-04-22T21:36:00.002-04:00

In honour of Earth Day, and in case you missed it, I'm recycling last year's post. I liked it that much.

Today is Earth Day. The Enviropagan Loonies say so.

I recently purchased a push-powered reel lawn mower. I bought it because I am cheap. Then, however, overcome as I was with worry about potentially reducing the size of my Carbon Footprint, I cut down all the trees in my yard and burned them.

The wood was still wet, so I had to use gasoline.

Happy Earth Day.

Pire8: Make Piracy History

2009-04-18T00:16:00.009-04:00

Rock legends Bono and Elton John today announced a concert series for the benefit of the Somali Pirates.

"I really believe what we're seeing here, root causes like, is just a consequence of dire shortages. So we're going to play some music, right, and then, we're going to have Sean Penn sail over in a big boat loaded with eye patches..."

"and condoms."

"...yes Elton, and condoms..."

"It can get lonely on a pirate ship you know."

"As I was saying. We're going to have this really big boat, which we hope the pirates will hijack and make use of. Er... of the eye patches, not, you know, of Sean"

"Not that there's anything the matter with that kind of thing."

"Ehm.. We really feel, that if we can deliver the needed supplies, these desperate men..."

"Ooo!"

"...may not be driven to these extremes. So join us for Pire8: Make Piracy History."

iPhilistine

2009-04-03T00:38:00.000-04:00

Elizabeth II by the Grace of God, Queen of the Britons, Defender of the Faith, Empress of India, has been given an iPod by Barry Obama, President of the United States of America, Boor, Boob, and Barbarian.

Speaking for myself, I do not, in fact, Pod. Perhaps Her Britannic Majesty will.

Which brings me to an entirely unrelated point. One very satisfying way to annoy the hip young folk is, at the mention of the iPod device, to conjugate it as if it were a verb. Also, if you must say it, put the emphasis on the second syllable.

At any rate, as President Obama continues his foibles, I continue to be confused about this first black president business.

Bill Clinton, apparently, claimed to be America's first black president. At first I had trouble believing this. He seemed so white. Then I remembered his clear preference for fat white girls. I am now more confused than ever.

Barefoot and Pashtun?

2009-04-02T00:11:00.004-04:00

I have not seen a translation of the text, but apparently Afghanistan's President Karzai intends to pass a law making it illegal for a woman to refuse relations with her husband or to go out of the house without his permission.

Here, people are outraged. Canadian soldiers, they are saying, should not be fighting for a society that legalizes rape. Of course this is so, as far as it goes.

I know almost nothing of the Afghan culture, but does this shocking lack of imagination and initiative manifest itself in other matters as well? Does it, for instance, account for the fact that nobody has bothered to build roads in this country until now?

Really, if these chaps want their women to be at home barefoot and pregnant, I suggest they do like the rest of us and start by buying them chocolate and hiding their shoes.

Really, do they expect the government to do everything?

Free Range Jesus

2009-04-02T00:05:00.002-04:00

As Easter nears, I have been very pleased to find no pascal variant of the "Keep Christ in Christmas" campaign. I reject the very notion as unchristian.

Clearly the very great majority, fond of nativity scenes, caroling, and suchlike, have no objection to Keeping Christ in Christmas. Rather, if an objection be heard, it will be not to keeping him in, but to letting him out.

Born in the U.S.A.

2009-01-15T22:48:00.004-05:00

Bruce Springsteen is scheduled to perform at Obama's Inauguration.

He will play all your most fitting favourites; including The Price You Pay, Nothing Man, Brilliant Disguise, My City Of Ruins, Trouble In Paradise, and Wages Of Sin.

Everything, really, except "Born in the U.S.A."

Womyn's Studies

2009-01-01T21:05:00.003-05:00

Final Exam

1) Do you have a vagina?

a) Yes.
b) I am a hate-filled crap-sack of misogyny and oppression.

God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen

2008-12-25T13:45:00.003-05:00

God rest ye merry, gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember, Christ, our Saviour
Was born on Christmas day
To save us all from Satan's power
When we were gone astray
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

Diversity With Optional Silencer, or How to: Make a Breakfast Shake

2008-12-13T08:02:00.008-05:00

I like to start the day off right with a balanced breakfast shake.

But Carriere, you're thinking, I didn't know you were a health-nut.

Well perhaps, Dear Reader, you might try being a little more open minded, and not rush to judgement. Not to worry. Helping you open-mindedly appreciate the rainbow of diversity is what we do here.

Like the other day in the toy aisle when the kind lady remarked to me that she was trying to find a police badge and I pointed one out, which, I cheerily added, seemed to come with an oh-so-cool rubber bullet gun, optional silencer, and S.W.A.T. gear.

She replied in the nasal apology unique to the Sappy Urban Liberal. "I saw that. I didn't want to get it". Here she dropped her voice, conspiratorially "you know, it isn't very positive".

I decided to help her appreciate the open-minded rainbow of diversity.

"Of course I agree" I nodded with all the mock-sympathy I could muster. It seemed artificial to me, but you must remember how much mock-sympathy is a mainstay of the Sappy Urban Liberal. If you're going to reach out to these people, you need to speak their language.

I followed her lead and dropped my voice to a stage whisper, still nodding understandingly "but if you're the hostage who's just been freed by a keen eyed and morally unambiguous police sharp-shooter, you might take a view of high powered weapons that is rather more "positive".

I made finger quotes in the air, lest she mistake me.

My daily good turn thus satisfied, I went off to buy the cheapest bottle of whisky I could find.

But as I was saying, I like to enjoy the natural high of good health.

Breakfast shakes should be made properly, with fat-free milk, yoghurt, a banana, and whatever fresh fruit you have handy. And because eighty-dollar-a-bottle single malt simply has no place in a breakfast shake, you'll be needing that cheap whisky.

For extra kick, I'll toss in a few handfuls of instant coffee crystals and 500 mg of ibuprofen. Whiz in blender and serve.

I used to use Tylenol, but I read that could damage my liver.

Goldfish and Circuses

2008-11-27T00:08:00.003-05:00

If I were blogging right now, I wonder if I would have anything interesting to say about the apparent coming short supply of bread and circuses.

Anyway I'm not.

I'm very concerned for my goldfish. They are clearly outgrowing their tank. I've never known twenty-five cent feeder-fish to last so long.

It's weird.

On leave

2008-11-21T22:01:00.009-05:00

It happened in my kitchen the other day that I stumbled and spilled on the floor an entire bottle of gin.

I pondered the best method of recovery but being, as I was at that moment, bereft of tonic water, I could see no civilized and sensible way forward but to prepare a vodka martini right there on the linoleum.

As I finished pouring out a bottle of vodka, I realized to my terrific dismay that I'd no vermouth. I hastened at once to my goodly neighbour to enquire after a spot of it.

Moments later, vermouth in hand and feeling quite as jubilant as a French Youth who has just torched his first Citroën, I returned home to the heartrending sight of Missus Carriere having addressed the entire matter with her mop.

As you will imagine, Dear Reader, I am quite defeated.
Blogging will resume upon my recovery. In the meantime, the links, labels, and archives are not working.

Check next week.

Rising Sea, Goblin Attacks

2008-11-18T05:49:00.004-05:00

"California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger on Friday ordered preparations for rising sea levels from global warming". The Governor also plans a new emergency-preparedness guide for goblin attacks and minotaur stampedes.

They Grow up so Fast

2008-11-17T00:30:00.004-05:00

Skippydale (SNS) - The Skippydale Education Authority today announced a new Public-Private Partnership in conjunction with the Infex Latex Company.

"We don't generally go in for public-privates" began Chairperson Steve, "They seem so American. We like our education one-tier. We can't have some kids learning to read while others fail, you know.

"But with the overwhelming success of our Primary Grades Sexual Education program, we have seen a certain rise in Nap-time Related Infectivity, and felt it was the right time to act."

Beginning in January, schools will make available the new product, free of charge, to students from kindergarten through grade two.

"We recognize the value in providing your children with usable information about sex and relationships, in an age-appropriate fashion. Now, we have made the additional progress of providing them with prophylactics that are size-appropriate".

Adorned with familiar and non-threatening cartoon characters, such as Wee Willie Winkie, the new PeeWee brand condoms bear the slogan "Big Fun for Little Scamps" and boast dimensions of two inches long by two fifths of an inch wide.

"They're only going to do it anyway. They grow up so fast these days".

Colourblind Race Baiting

2008-11-12T22:31:00.007-05:00

Ever since they went and elected that Obama chap, I'm getting awfully tired of people saying they, or others, are "blind to colour" or "blind to race".

Someone said it to me today, and I'm afraid I may have taken out my frustration.

Me (sneering angrily): "Well, isn't that nice. It's easy for you. Your ancestors weren't ripped from their homeland, brought here on slave ships, and brutalized like animals. Of course you're blind to colour. I'm a victim every day to racism. I'll never be blind to colour."

Him: "But you're white."

Me: "I thought you said you were blind to colour. You foul, race-baiting sack of hate. You disgust me."

Lest we Forget

2008-11-11T16:16:00.007-05:00

Take up our quarrel with the foe:

To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders Fields.

- John McCrae

Gentleman of the 70's, Black Death

2008-11-10T10:30:00.002-05:00

Being myself a gentleman product of the 1970's, I have been successfully inculcated to never see race. That was why it shocked me so completely today when someone told me that Barry Obama is the first, get this, black president of the United States. Black, he meant, like a negro.

Up until then, I had always assumed the "black" part simply corresponded with the expected horribleness of his presidency.

Like the Black Death: death, only a lot worse.

As in, "FDR was really crap, but Barrack Obama is the first Black President of the United States". Anyway, I should have seen it. I mean, Barry. Barry White. Barry Obama. I should have seen it.

And now that I have, my eyes are open to a whole new world of people saying things they can't possibly believe. I was watching B.E.T. when the commentator said that with this election, "finally, America doesn't see color". Which besides calling into question the longer-term prospects of Black Entertainment Television, is also obviously completely false, and a positive stupidism.

Magical Fairy Post

2008-11-06T12:26:00.002-05:00

While I can scarcely think of a place less useful to be than inside the brain of a Newfangled Person, one can hardly suffer a difficult circumstance without a lot of them, well-meaning, telling you that's where you are.

"I'm keeping you in my thoughts at this difficult time" they will say. And better, "We are sending you our thoughts".

"Oh, you hadn't better" one wants to reply "You seem so keenly in danger of running out and besides I much prefer a bottle".

Does it seem odd that the Newfangler, who sees no sense or science in prayer, is untroubled by the idea of perfectly intangible thoughts, sent 'round the world as if by magical fairy post, to sprinkle their benevolence?

The New Gringo Dystopia

2008-11-04T23:48:00.010-05:00

Remember when W won his second term and a lot of liberal Americans threatened to move to Canada? Any who did: Please go home now.

Which got me thinking, to fully enjoy the New Gringo Dystopia, what if all the Cannucki Libs go along too and sensible Americans flee to Canada?

'Course, commies being commies, they'll soon be running out down there of half-caf lo-fat soy lattes and toilet paper, and then Whoopie Golberg will try to defect, probably with Matt Damon in her carry-on.

So I'm thinking, a shiny new 'lectric fence all along the 49th with Sarah Palin as Head Northern Sniper.

Canada: Suddenly the Conservative Option. This could be okay.

O Bama Bama Ding Ding

2008-11-04T22:30:00.005-05:00

Americans have freedom and marriages and guns and productive lives. Canadian liberals have none of these, mainly because they pride and define themselves as being Not Like Americans.

Cannucki Libs are, therefore, understandably reeling from the election of Big Bad Barry Obama. Because how do you keep being Not Like Americans if America is to have gun control, gay marriage, and socialist malaise too?

Some will see no way on but to turn conservative. Some will simply curl up in a ball and die. I'm looking forward to the ones whose heads will pop like flimsy balloons.

The Maintenance of Addiction

2008-11-04T00:50:00.003-05:00

I have just learned of a thing called a transdermal nicotine patch which, apparently, promises to deliver nicotine directly to the blood by way of a little sticky patch.

I thought someone said these are intended to aid people in an effort to stop smoking tobacco but I can't see why that should be necessary; the maintenance of addiction being made so very convenient by these handy gadgets.

I hope they'll be coming out with alcohol patches before too much longer.

Halloween

2008-11-03T22:39:00.006-05:00

Last Friday was Halloween and I was driving in a city strange to me. Around midday I passed a place of business and noticed the most, um, extraordinary costumes on the workers.

I pondered what kind of company could possibly require seemingly all its female employees to dress up as slutty schoolgirls. I was about to turn in to inquire after a job there when I noticed the sign and realized it was only an ordinary Catholic secondary school.

Biodiversity, Poo, Shooting Bunnies

2008-11-03T07:00:00.005-05:00

The Enviropagan Loonie starts from the position that Man and Beast are equal, that Man is no different from any of the other animals. Thus, Sir Paul McCartney may be found cavorting on Newfoundland ice floes but never steps of London abortuaries.

Animals, according to the Environpagan Creed, must be left, unmolested, to live according to their natures; ants to build hills, elephants to roam, and gulls to soil windshields.

Yet, if man and beast are equal, how can it be that when a polar bear eats a seal, he is restoring equilibrium, but when I whack one in the head, I make of myself an environmental villain?

And what if it is in man's nature to conceive of, manufacture, and employ the use of firearms? If then a man refraineth from shooting (bunnies, for instance) doth he not threaten, like, biodiversity or something?

Barry's Integrity

2008-11-02T00:16:00.008-04:00

Wealthy Barry Obama says it's not up to the individual to take care of himself or his relations.

Wealthy Barry Obama's aunt lives in a public housing slum and his brother lives in a hut; and that's where they'll stay until the Welfare State decides to change it.

Isn't it great the way Barry's private life conforms to his public beliefs?

It. Is. Working.

2008-10-21T10:18:00.007-04:00

My boy.

Election Day

2008-10-14T19:09:00.005-04:00

Today is election day. I offer my commentary on the results, as yet undecided, by republishing my comment on the last provincial election. Although this election is federal, I find it applies.

The Party of Dirty Statist Pigs ('A') beat the Party of Dirty Statist Pigs ('B') in Ontario's thirty-ninth general Election.

'Twas a landslide for Dirty Statists ('A'), although we the Decent Citizens of Ontario, victims of the landslide, find that when one is to be crushed in a shower of falling muck, one finds it largely immaterial which particular brand of filth it is under which one labours.

Hence the record low turn-out. Half did not exercise their vote.

This, despite extremely heavy propaganda from the Ministry of Dirty Statist Pigs To Prop Up the Appearance of Democracy to increase interest. "Don't let others speak for you" proclaimed the propaganda in newspapers and on television.

Ordinary Ontarians can be forgiven for wondering if, perhaps, a certain portion of Ontario's populace, and truly a similar part of mankind taken as a whole, would not be better almost all of the time to keep very quiet and positively encourage others to speak for them.

Despite being a popular maxim, it is a positive stupidism to suggest that there exist no people too stupid for voting. So it is that if half of people consider themselves unfit to vote, they ought to be left to it.

Nonetheless, the leftover stupid have spoken and the Party of Statist Pigs ('A') continues their rule. We are on the road to distopia. It is no time for a change.

This Heritage of Freedom

2008-10-14T18:58:00.007-04:00

I am a Canadian,
a free Canadian,
free to speak without fear,
free to worship God in my own way,
free to stand for what I think right,
free to oppose what I believe wrong,
free to choose those who shall govern my country.
This heritage of freedom I pledge to uphold for myself and for all mankind.

John Diefenbaker, 1960

Not that any of that silly romantic stuff makes any sense in the New Canada.

(Kathy's idea).

Distended Thanks

2008-10-13T13:06:00.007-04:00

Today marks the quintessentially Canadian holiday of Thanksgiving. This is the day that we all wallow in gratitude to the Distended State for the great gifts of jellied cranberry sauce, gun control, condoms, and welfare.

As we savour the apple chestnut stuffing and marvel over the spiced pumpkin preserves, the old honest auntie will remark how goodness but junior is getting quite fat and isn't it the strangest thing, come away from that television, but there's a whole childhood obesity epidemic on.

The invocation completed we shall all join the refrain:

"The Government should do something about that"

And we will feel our Great Canadianness down to our bones.

Steyn, more Human Rights: What we Meant to Say

2008-10-10T23:33:00.015-04:00

The B.C. Human Rights Tribunal has let off Mark Steyn and Maclean's. It's too bad. I would have liked to watch them explain shutting down the press.

From sources deep inside the Censorious Apparatus, I have obtained a preliminary draft of the decision. This early draft, written by a low level functionary; since fired, reveals some insight into the Mind of the Daft Censors.

It is noted by italics where this version differs from the final, published decision.

* * *

[2] the text of the Article is an excerpt from a book written by Mr. Steyn that was way too long for us to read. We might see the movie. In brief, the Article concerns Mr. Steyn’s view that Muslims, adherents of the religion of Islam, who you aren't supposed to call Mohammadans anymore, have serious global ambitions for world religious domination, which they will be assisted in achieving by demographically outnumbering, (as opposed to outnumbering, say, alphabetically. Because why just say what you mean when you could add super-smarty sounding words instead?) the populations in traditional Western cultures and, if necessary, by the use of violence. Anyway, that's what we hear it's about. We didn't check.

II DECISION
[6] Because we want to keep our jobs a little longer, the panel has concluded that the complaints must be dismissed. But since that won't play so well in the press we're going to say that the complainants have not met their burden of demonstrating that the Article breaches the Code.

For the next while, we're planning on sticking to half-retarded rednecks and penniless protestant pastors with storefront churches. We're hoping the press understands our little truce and moves past this story. Like we said, we want to keep our jobs.

III THE IMPORTANCE OF THE ISSUES IN THIS CASE
[7] This case raises issues of importance to all Canadians, including Muslim Canadians, which we point out specifically in case by "all Canadians" you took us to mean "except Muslims, who, had you heard, you aren't supposed to call Mohammadans anymore".

The issues require us to look at two important values of our democracy (and we do mean Our democracy), the Code and constitutionally protected honest-to-goodness right that we swear we didn't just make up on the spot to live in a society that is free from discrimination and the one we didn't make up and don't protect, the right to freedom of speech.

IV THE TRIBUNAL’S PROCESSES
[8] Complainants who believe that their human rights have been violated may file a complaint directly with the Tribunal. Upon receipt of a complaint, the Tribunal determines whether a complaint alleges facts that, if proven, could contravene the Code. The threshold is necessarily a low one, because if it wasn't, we'd be out of a job. You might not realize it, and we hope you don't, but there are really very few actual human rights abuses in Canada, except the ones we initiate and preside over here.

We at the Tribunal are blind to distinctions like race, religion, and ugly, unhygienic habits. As such, we've decided after this decision to pick on Jews a little in the new year, just to keep us looking balanced.

If we had any principles at all, clearly we would have decided differently, but anyhow, what with the whole Omar Kadhr thing, we're pretty sure public sympathy for Muslims isn't quite at its highest so we guess we can let this thing go without it causing us too much trouble.

We just hope the press forgets about this for a little while and gives us some time to regroup.

2008-10-03T19:29:00.010-04:00

Again the B.B.C.:

A Muslim cleric in Saudi Arabia has called on women to wear a full veil, or niqab, that reveals only one eye.

Sheikh Muhammad al-Habadan said showing both eyes encouraged women to
use eye make-up to look seductive.
Evidently the mullah has not considered quite how seductive it might be to live in a place where the girls just won't quit winking at you.

Italy, Greece. Whatever.

2008-10-03T00:15:00.007-04:00

Hilary is moving to Italy. I don't understand it. I know it's the cradle of western civilization, or Greece is, or whatever. The material difference between Italy and Greece mostly escapes me anyway, but Rome is Awfully Important in a way most places can't approach, and I know that. I think I would not want to live there anyway. But she seems to have her reasons.

Because I like so well how it turned out (with hookers, mocking Italians and Toronto, and a most unseemly reflection on the physical qualities of young Mediterranean women) I reproduce here an exchange from the comments. It's the last paragraph if you want to skip ahead.

Me:
Change is evil. That's why you hate it. The solution is Never To Change Any Thing.

And it's a good solution too.

Do they even have tea in Italy? And I understand the place is positively overrun with Italians. It's too awful to contemplate.

I'll never understand you, Miss White.

Hilary:
Well, Mr. Carriere, it certainly has its drawbacks. But you can get tea there, and in the time I have spent thus far, one really does not have to consort with too many Italians.

And they have the sea there. Just like I remember it from back home.

O! the sea, the sea!

Me:
Not "too many Italians" she says!

Is that like, not "too many shootings" in Parkdale? Or is it prostitutes? I never know if the singularly germane fact of Parkdale is the shooting or the hookers.

Anyway, all that gold and sweat, isn't consorting with even some Italians quite enough to put you off your biscuits?

The one thing about Italians I find so interesting is their women. Somehow, around the age of thirty-two their supple olive skin, flowing hair, and tantalizing eyes are traded in for a shapeless ankle-length black dress, matching hose, and a mustache; their lithe arms and shapely legs replaced with stumpy limbs suited mainly to stirring spaghetti and wearing sensible shoes.

Farts; Global Warming is Really Rather Marvelous: IV

2008-10-01T23:59:00.007-04:00

The B.B.C. reports that sheep and cows fart and burp a lot.

Farts and burps contribute to methane emissions, so a study commissioned by the Australian government urges Australians to eat Kangaroo instead.

Although some researchers surmise that they just hold it until nobody is around, most zoologists accept that kangaroos, like pretty girls, simply do not fart.

All this anyway has to do with reducing ~~global warming~~ climate change. But it seems to me that if cows produce a deal of greenhouse gas, then wouldn't we all be doing our bit to Save the Glaciers by bringing just as many cows as we can manage to a premature, honey and garlic kind of death?

In fact, I ought to be getting me some carbon-offsets for each cow I eat, and the more cows we can breed, raise and eat, the better off the climate will be.

Isn't global warming marvelous?

Put on your Big-Boy Pants, Good Citizen

2008-09-29T20:47:00.013-04:00

The shine is off. The Pollyanna set of the pro-life movement will be disappointed again by Canada's Prime Minster Harper, like Americans may be who hoped in Palin.

But we have made an oracle of a whoremonger, and we are fools to persist. Rather, let this be for us inoculation against what liberalism may yet infect our minds.

Do not look to the State. It is only a procurer; a pimp. A pimp purloins one to pander to another; it is not there for leadership. Don't look to it for answers.

Instead, let us remember, what we do not solve ourselves will not be solved. What culture we do not make will not be made. If we find public opinion to be misguided, we must be for it a guide. The State is not there for leadership.

It will not cure your ills. It will not keep you safe. It will neither educate your children nor care for your elders. It will not feed you. It will not clothe you. It will not be your guide.

Freedom beckons. Put on your big-boy pants, Good Citizen, and look to yourself.

200

2008-09-29T05:48:00.006-04:00

This is my 200th post. To celebrate, everywhere you go today, try pronouncing "Iraq" and "Italian" with a long -i- sound at the beginning.

Enjoy the response.

If you are in San Francisco, New York, or Toronto, please leave a comment here to say how it went.

Concealed Carry, Freedom

2008-09-27T22:57:00.008-04:00

The guy who got tossed from the Conservative Party of Canada for being conservative, writes:

Gun control: It doesn't work. There is no research that proves it does. The facts are clear, it increases crime. Simon Fraser University professor Gary Mauser finds that a year after the British obediently surrendered 160,000 legal handguns, London muggings were up 53 percent, gun murders up 90 percent and robbery up more than 100 percent. By the year following, annual gun crimes overall had risen 39 percent.

This pattern has continued. The rate of violent crime in England and Wales is more than double the United States. It is now more dangerous to walk the streets of London than New York.

On top of that, British Olympic shooting teams are now forced to practice their sport in another country! This is doubly absurd, for it discourages establishing positive role models for how firearms should be used.

In contrast, during the last decade, violent crime has dropped 40 percent in the United States as the number of firearms and states with concealed carry permits have increased.

How long can democracy survive under the current thought? Because, in the end, gun control, public schools, and public healthcare, anti-tobacco laws, and Human Rights Commissions all come back to the same stunningly illiberal idea: ordinary people can't be trusted to make the right decision. The State will do it for you.

They're even regulating your cable T.V. package. Or did you choose the Aboriginal Peoples Television Network yourself?

So why are we having an election? If you can't even be trusted not to shoot the coffee girl when she gets your order wrong, how can you possibly be clever enough to choose a government?

So, how long can democracy survive? Not long, I say. Let's just see.

White Liberal Guilt

2008-09-26T01:11:00.004-04:00

On the topic of Compulsory Displays of Mass Public Grief for Events I did not Attend and Concerning People I have not Known...

I don't feel guilty about the Holocaust, and really, I'm not losing any sleep over Slavery either.

When I said so, someone got upset. Apparently I'm a bad guy, since his grandfather was at Auschwitz.

So I said, "No kidding?! Mine too! Mine was the chap in the Canadian uniform who volunteered to be there getting shot at".

I was kind of making it up. Anyway it could have been true. I think he got my point.

How to: Smoke a Pipe. Secunda Pars

2008-09-24T06:30:00.004-04:00

Below is the second part of my primer on pipe smoking. The following is offered in response to the queries raised in response to the first part, found here.

It is possible that the foregoing sentence does not, in fact, make sense. It is not alone here.

The point anyway is that between the first bit and this bit, there was an whole other letter, to which this is the response and to which you, Dear Reader, aren't privy. I didn't write it, so I don't mean to publish it. Anyway it doesn't matter. Enjoy this one if you will, or if you can. If you prefer, don't enjoy it. It is largely the same to me.

Tipple is not a gay word. Don't be ridiculous.

Don't inhale. You'll die on the spot. It's not the point anyway. You can get plenty of nicotine and cancer in your mouth and on your tongue.

I'd like a tweed hat. But I'm afraid a lot of the hip youngsters are wearing them these days and I'd be mistaken for one. On the other hand, I am surely deluding myself when I say I could be mistaken for a hip youngster. At any rate, it would be contrived and if I'm going to be contrived I don't like to be obvious about it.

I smoke too fast, so I couldn't say how long between puffs except to say more time than I leave. Keep it lit is all. If you make of it too much science you'll lose the art. That would be a terrible shame. It is such a beautiful thing.

If you lose the art you'll lose the purpose. The art is the purpose.

Use a lighter if you will. Purists won't. I have, in the wind. I take the position that it's better to light with a lighter than not to smoke at all. But lighters are difficult, since like ballpoint pens they're meant to be used one way up and not the other. Pipe lighters are available. Matches are better. See losing the art; above. Paper matches will do in a pinch but wood matches last longer and are more likely to get the whole bowl lit on one match. Also, see losing the art; above. Use wooden matches, mate.

No, I should not have been British. If that were so, the Almighty would have seen to it that I was, you filthy blasphemer.

Anyway if I was, I'd probably not be spending the evening smoking a pipe but instead vomiting in the streets amongst young, and not-so-young women, in knicker-showing miniskirts who would probably be pleased to have me father for them another bastard child the better for them to suckle at the teat of the bloated Tony Blair State.

What a dirty shame he's become, on conversion. Thank you, no, I prefer to admire from afar what once was England. See losing the art; above. Also, it consoles me some about the state of my beloved, beleaguered Canada. Also, your position on whiskey troubles me.

How to: Smoke a Pipe. Prima Pars

2008-09-22T23:40:00.016-04:00

Because a primer on pipe smoking is not so easy to come by, because it may be useful to you, Dear Reader, but mostly because it amuses me, I reproduce below the slightly-edited for some semblance of clarity first of two pieces of private correspondence on the topic.

But do not fret if certain sections are not so clear. It was, after all, private, and only half of the discussion is here. The other correspondent, if it helps to know, is English.

For a superlative meditation on pipe smoking, I refer you to Poo, Tobacco, and the Wisdom of Burt Bacharach.

Pipe Tobacco! Now there's a topic worth discussing.

Many packs will designate themselves "aromatic" or "English," or that's how they do it here. For all I know, you there will be calling it "French" or "Italian" or "Bangladeshi". English doesn't smell so nice, but is said to taste better. Aromatic is said not to taste as good, but is the smell people think of when they think of pipe tobacco. The theory of it is to get one balanced between English and aromatic for your preference, to make it smell nice for your curious onlookers, and taste nice for you.

I smoke aromatic. I don't notice a difference with the taste and besides, the smell of the lovely billows is mostly what I'm in it for anyway. That, and the pleasant head-rush I sometimes get. Mostly I buy buttered rum, sometimes whisky. I've never had cherry or vanilla, although I like the smell of vanilla. How it smells in the pack unlit is a good indication of how it will smell burning.

Keeping it lit. Pack it well. Not too tight. Springy. Fill it a pinch at a time. Keep the pipe in the pouch as you fill, so you don't lose it all on the ground. Pack down each pinch, but don't push hard. It should still be loose enough that you could compact it a lot more, but so there's not any great empty spaces. Springy like, I dunno, the pad of your thumb. If you pack it too tight, it's just harder to light.

To light it, hold the match an eighth of an inch over the surface of the tobacco and draw through it. The flame is pulled down into the tobacco when you draw. Use wooden matches and out of the wind. Move the match around over the surface in a little circle as you draw, so you light the whole top. It'll make an impressive amount of smoke at first, but don't be fooled. It might not be lit yet.

When it goes out you have to tamp it down again before you relight.

You keep it lit by smoking evenly, draw at a pace, longish draws or repeated quick puff puff puffs. If it's going out too much for your liking, smoke faster. Also, a little trick is to cup your hand over the top to close off the top of the pipe, and draw through that. This causes a harder draft, since the air's got to get through the little amount of space not sealed off by your palm. The harder draft fans the coal, and gets it going hotter.

Alternately, some pipe smokers become quite used to lighting repeatedly. If it gets uncomfortably hot for your hand, you're smoking too fast and risking a burnout hole in the pipe.

The black goo that forms around the bowl of the pipe is a good thing. Don't scrape it all off, but keep it thin. I was going to say as thick as a dime. You don't have dimes. Maybe half or a little more than half as thick as a penny.

If your pipe gurgles as you are drawing, it's because you're drooling down the stem as you smoke. They sell tiny wire baskets to put in the bottom to keep the tobacco out of your drool, but why not just try not drooling instead? It's gross.

Celsius 911*

2008-09-22T23:39:00.002-04:00

As I do with anniversaries of events I did not attend and concerning people I have not known, I have forgotten again to blog on the anniversary of September 11th.

But of course it is a sensible thing to keep track of history and learn your lessons from it. From the events of September 11, 2001, we learned, for instance, that the religion of the individuals involved in blowing up buildings was a matter of pure coincidence, that they might as easily have been Free Methodists, and that they just didn't understand their very-peaceful religion to begin with anyway.

One hopes anyway that this year were dispensed with the Compulsory Displays of Mass Public Grief. I wasn't paying very close attention.

God Bless America.

*This post, so-titled, in compliance with the regulations of the Ministry of the Imposition of Senseless Weights and Unpopular Measures Canada.

Carbon Tax, Foxy Palin, Moonbat Imaginarians

2008-09-21T19:04:00.003-04:00

Since few anywhere are talking about actually important issues, the Canadian election is duller than the American one simply because they have Sarah Palin and Sarah Palin is foxy.

But the Canadian election is the one here, so it seems worth thinking at least a little about.

One party proposes to replace the income tax with a carbon tax. Though I don't subscribe to this theory of the Moonbat Imaginarians concerning the Really Bad Awfulness of Carbon, I am inclined to support such an idea anyway.

The income tax proposes that since you have produced something, the State will have it. It has no legitimate claim to it, and no useful purpose for it, but the State will confiscate it anyway.

The income tax leads the good citizenry toward thinking that productivity, being punished, is best avoided. The State, as conceived in the socialist car wreck of Canada, owns everything, from your goods to your labour, to your mind.

But the much more honest carbon tax proposes that if you are even well enough only to exhale, the government will have its share.

And I am all for truth in advertising.

Potato Salad, Handguns

2008-09-16T18:17:00.006-04:00

Though witnesses say it was not a handgun used to shoot a Toronto schoolboy today, David Miller, like a vapid whack-a-mole, popped up to call again for a handgun ban.

He does this because he doesn't care about actually solving the problem. If a child choked to death on potato salad, David Miller would propose a handgun ban.

He would say, like he did today, that if only handguns were banned, "we would see many fewer incidents like this" tragic salad mishap.

49

2008-09-10T22:31:00.007-04:00

Toronto's 49th murder victim of 2008 was shot and thrown from a moving Lexus onto Canada's busiest highway.

Inasmuch as the absolute order of events has not been determined, neither has the precise cause of death.

While it is a certainty that the victim enjoyed an unspecified number of bullet wounds, the more immediate cause of his demise may well have been a jarring eighty-miles-per-hour conk on the noggin.

The matter is not clear.

As such, Toronto's Lord Mayor David Miller, obviously inspired, set aside his usual call for a handgun ban in favour of "an all-out ban on carrying silver-plated pistols in champagne-coloured Lexuses with dem big ol' after-market rims".

Police caution that the killing may not be gang-related.

No gold teeth were recovered at the scene.

Gilles, Silas, I'm just saying.

2008-09-09T23:39:00.006-04:00

Gilles Duceppe, a Canadian politician who matters very little, has issued a statement about a certain Conservative Party candidate standing for election.

This candidate, it seems, is a member of Opus Dei.

Gilles is all upset because apparently Catholics don't embrace diversity quite like modern Quebeckers. Quebec is about tolerance, which is why Gilles won't stand for any Catholics holding public office. Pluralism is important to Gilles.

And no, this fuss hasn't got anything to do with the rumour that Gilles himself is an Albino Assassin Opus Dei Monk.

How dare you even suggest it?

Now that's more like it.

2008-09-06T01:10:00.005-04:00

I let the raccoon (see here) go.

Clinging to Guns and Religion

2008-09-05T07:58:00.012-04:00

I cotched me a coon.

No, not like that. Gracious me. No need to call in the Human Rights Commission.

A raccoon.

I've been trapping cats in my garden because the worthless bureaucrats will charge me if I shoot them.

Shoot cats, that is, not bureaucrats. Bureaucrats are bad, but there's simply no proportion in shooting them.

When I drop a cat off at the S.P.C.A., the clerk asks if I mean to trap feral cats. Why of course, I say, what on earth else would be in my garden? Pets, I say firmly, are kept indoors.

But I think this fellow will make a fine hat and I wouldn't want a hole in the pelt anyway.

I've learnt a lesson. Shooting is only usually the answer. I feel a good Democrat today.

Taxing tobacco will shortchange kids

2008-09-04T09:18:00.003-04:00

Too bad the article's not as funny as the headline:
Taxing tobacco will shortchange kids

Modern Methods

2008-09-03T05:30:00.002-04:00

According to a poll of Canadian parents, public schools in this country ought to be teaching

"more of the essential core knowledge required for life," including subjects "for the times that we live in."

In response, Ontario has adjusted its curriculum.

Spelling, grammar, arithmetic and other outdated subjects have been removed in favour of courses in "Filing a Human Rights Complaint," "Cashing a Government Cheque," and "Coping with Obesity".

You Might Be a Trad...

2008-09-03T05:29:00.001-04:00

if you have a scapular tan.

Safe Schools

2008-09-02T23:07:00.006-04:00

School officials are calling a stabbing at a Hamilton, Ontario high school "isolated incident".

"We have a very unfortunate situation. But Delta is a safe school".

Because as news articles note, the traditional initiation includes beating, but almost never stabbing.

Free Methodism: the Religion of Peace

2008-08-21T17:35:00.004-04:00

As noted here last month, a Bishopstoke-in-Eastleigh man demonstrating the resourcefulness and really remarkable ingenuity of the English people, managed to remove his own head through the use of a chainsaw.

You may also have read of the gruesome incident on a Manitoba bus, involving another head-removal.

It has been reported that the head-hunting parties in both cases were adherents of Free Methodism.

Whenever multiple members of Any Old Completely Random Sect disturb Her Majesty's good order, prime ministers and presidents issue statements:

The Prime Minister and I have accepted the invitation of Reverend Brenda to attend services this weekend at Skippydale Fellowship Free Methodist Church, and we hope through this show of solidarity to avoid an ugly and unnecessary backlash.
The very great majority of Free Methodists living in the West, we remind everybody, lead the peace-loving and quiet lives of exemplary citizens.

Free Methodism, a Great Religion of Peace, obviously, has been hijacked by a very few extremists the likes of which routinely spoil the Ladies Coffee Hour at 7:30 on the first Tuesday of every Month for us all. Except in January and April when Canasta Night pre-empts.

72 Virgins in a Cupboard

2008-08-21T05:19:00.002-04:00

Ontario, among other jurisdictions, has lately imposed a ban on the retail display of tobacco products.

In practice, this has convenience stores hanging grey plastic flaps to cover the face of the shelving, creating little cigarette-holding cupboards.

We are told the idea is to protect children since, as every childless liberal will tell you, once children know you've hidden something from them, they aren't the least bit curious or interested in it.

As Ontario school-children anticipate their eighteenth birthdays, they speculate about what wonders await them inside what they're calling "the Magical Cupboard of Heavenly Delights". Rumoured to be 72 Virgins, whatever it is, it must be good.

In fact, Ontario's very stupid government is to be credited for implementing what may be the Most Effective Strategy Ever for selling smokes to kids.

The Ministry of Tolerance, Babies

2008-08-20T08:07:00.003-04:00

Citing insufficient diversity in the names biological parents are choosing for their offspring, The Ministry of Tolerance, Office of Social Uniformity Directorate, has proposed a plan to see the naming of babies turned over to bureaucrats.

The process, to be decided by preference then lottery, will ensure Suitable Diversity of Official Multiculturalism. Once the yearly quota for a name is filled it will be listed as out of stock for any remaining babies born in that calendar year. Family names will remain, for the time being, primarily the choice of parents, where judged suitable.

Thus though parents may apply for a Charles Smith or a John MacGillivray they may possibly receive a DeShawn Tyrell Brocklesby-Throckmorton or a Ding Thuan Viet VanBurren.

Toddlers and Anti-racists

2008-08-18T17:20:00.003-04:00

There have been released new U.K. guidelines intended to help teachers of young children punish, identify, punish, root out, and punish racist incidents among toddlers.

The guidelines, designed to increase business for the flagging anti-racist industry, will both find racism where none exists and gradually inculcate children with resentment, thereby improving prospects of future actual racist incidents.

According to the guidelines, indicators of racism among preschool-aged children include use of words and phrases like “blackie” “paki” and “they smell”.

Queried about the fact that smell was alone among the senses to gain singular mention, a spokeswoman for the Ministry of Social Cohesion, False Friendliness, Road Safety, Censorship, Propaganda, and the General Suppression of Liberty and Thought, formerly the Ministry of Roads, hastily pointed out that this was only an example and that the text might “just as easily have been, say, “their funny hats sometimes have an unusual-feeling texture” or “they appear less beigey pink like, than do real Englishmen”.

“Because, there is no reason whatever to say that foreigners smell. Obviously they don’t.

“Everybody knows that.” She concluded, scowled, then continued, “I mean, people are just going to have to judge for themselves what is racism. Why do you suppose we’ve published this thing anyway?”

Success by any Measure

2008-08-18T09:04:00.004-04:00

We gather to celebrate the tenth kiloday anniversary of the imposition of the metric system on the Canadian people. Though many of us opposed it at first, our eyes have been opened to the wondrous simplicity of Metric and her perfect round tens.

Gallons, cups, yards, and pounds are things of the past. We have left them behind to embrace the simple good order of metric.

Progress! Simplicity! Bureaucracy!

Ten cheers for metric!

No longer to labour under the byzantine complexities of butter by the pound and milk by the half-gallon, our eyes have been opened to the straightforward ease of milk by the one point eight nine litres and butter by the 454 grams.

Confounded by 12 ounce pop cans? I don’t blame you. Grab a 355mLs-er. Ah! Now That’s refreshment!

And when next you stop by your local watering hole, avoid asking the barmaid for a pint. A pint! Nobody even understands that convoluted gibberish anymore!

‘Round here, Laddie, we pour 59.147 centilitreses!

Women's Suffrage is of the Devil

2008-07-18T01:08:00.007-04:00

Don't believe me? Consider:

If a man goes obviously out of his way to open a door for a woman he doesn't know, unless she is a Bitter Suffragette she will be pleased.

If he does the same for a man he doesn't know, the second fellow will suspect him of being a pervert.

In short,

Women like being taken care of.
Men like being left the hell alone.

So as long as women keep voting, we're never going to get a government that will leave us the hell alone.

Canada's Golden Boy

2008-07-18T01:07:00.001-04:00

Among his poetry, World Champion abortionist Henry Morgentaler writes of "a Goddess with golden breasts, dripping milk and honey. A suckling baby am I, nursing at the golden breast" which sounds suspiciously like the end of a James Bond movie, Licence to Kill jokes aside.

Apparently he's called his book "Freedom is my Passion."

Now I don't know about you lads, but were I occupied suckling at breasts dripping milk and honey, even ones of the non-golden variety, I'm not sure quite that I would identify Freedom, in particular, as my passion.

But they didn't give him the Order of Canada for poetry.

Man cuts off own head with Chainsaw

2008-07-16T01:18:00.005-04:00

For the next time you think you've got it bad.

"It sounds very tragic for whatever the reason he met his death."

Coke 'n Commies

2008-07-16T00:54:00.006-04:00

The lead of the Canadian band Barenaked Ladies has been charged for cocaine possession, the Canadian Press reports.

Also noted:
"In recent years, Page has become ...a strong supporter of the federal NDP."

Coke'll do that.

Life, Liberals, Tantrums

2008-07-16T00:40:00.001-04:00

Conservatives are happier than liberals, the story says, because "conservatives rationalize social and economic inequalities" with their "tendency to justify, or explain away, inequalities".

Which is a just a backward way of saying that because liberals can't get used to reality they engage in a lifelong temper tantrum punctuated with periods of pouting.

It makes 'em sad. Poor blighters.

Children know life is not always fair. Liberals, apparently, are not so well-adjusted.

I was...

2008-07-16T00:03:00.001-04:00

... about to apologize for the long lag since the last post.

Then I remembered you don't pay to read this.

Died on the Fourth of July

2008-07-04T16:50:00.005-04:00

"I came up between the two world wars during the Depression. All the people around me emphasized working and savings and personal responsibility. They spelled out in one way or another the uniqueness of America. This has largely been lost. Nobody would have thought of turning to the government to solve all our problems."

Jesse Helms
1921 - 2008

Requiscat in Pace.

Dominion Day

2008-07-01T00:01:00.002-04:00

In Days of yore,

From Britain's shore

Wolfe the dauntless hero came

And planted firm Britannia's flag

On Canada's fair domain.

Here may it wave,

Our boast,

our pride

And joined in love together,

The thistle, shamrock, rose entwined,

The Maple Leaf Forever.

The Maple Leaf

Our Emblem Dear,

The Maple Leaf Forever.

God save our Queen and heaven bless,

The Maple Leaf Forever.

Welcome

2008-06-29T15:13:00.004-04:00

I'm enormously pleased with all the interest and incoming links generated by my post on Indecent Exposure.

Funny what brings the crowds. One thing is certain. A little areola action rarely disappoints.

Between these and the improved position of my link at Rorate Caeli, traffic is up. I hope it also has something to do with the writing, though Mark Steyn and Fr. Zuhlsdorf have yet to bite.

At any rate, I hope all these new visitors find something here worth returning to (er, besides areolae).

I can't decide quite what.

I am still also hoping for inquiries for the Gentleman's Response. Etiquette is so important. I had hoped to make it a series. Apparently, however, aside from errant bosoms, modern life is not so tough.

Also, I am finally about to publish the long-promised post Women's Suffrage is of The Devil, and, I think, something about American Cheese.

A Gentleman's Response to Indecent Exposure

2008-06-26T00:02:00.002-04:00

At this time of the year when women seem everywhere dressed in summer microclothing, indecent exposure becomes all too common.

His book of etiquette consulted but lacking, the modern gentleman may well wonder what response is appropriate. He has come to the right place.

You have, Dear Reader, perhaps had stuck between your teeth something vegetable; a poppy seed, spinach, whatnot.

Likewise indecent exposure. To rectify one's unintended display, be it buffet or bosom, it is always better to know.

So when a lady has fallen the rest of the way out of her summer top, it is not proper for the gentleman to assume she meant to, whatever the prevailing fashion of the place.

Though he be divided between his own discomfort at raising the topic and the plight, unsightly or otherwise, of the hapless lass, the truly decent gentleman willingly undertakes in all things to subordinate his own comfort in service to the other.

He may not shirk, lest, imagine the tumult, the exposed lady next meet her clergyman or her grandfather.

Neither may he snicker or leer. Leering is to be saved for his wife and snickering for later.

So the gentleman will proceed, delicately, thus:

"Forgive my noticing, Miss, but to save you a felony charge it is my profound discomfiture to inform you that you appear to have misplaced your areola. Not, mind you, that it is lost. Rather, Miss, you see it is very much in evidence. I thought it best you should know. Good day.".

His duty done, he may retire for cocktails.

Hail Macramé

2008-06-23T23:10:00.006-04:00

Particularly if you suffer from an excess of good spirits, or too strong a heartbeat, or if you are not already convinced that the West is pretty well over, you should read LifeSiteNews.

Today, they ran a good-news story today about delightfully religious young people.

At first, I thought the Eucharistic Congress in Quebec they mentioned was the Catholic one, but it's not. This must be some parallel event for some weird sect that worships huge wicker.

Bouncy Visitrix, Laundry

2008-06-20T00:38:00.003-04:00

Saturday I hung to dry a load of laundry.

To do so, I am obliged to face my fence which at that point comes in height just to my chin, impossible not to see over. I was thus treated to the improbable display of my neighbours' pleasantly plump guest jumping on their children's trampoline.

I tried not to stare, stared a little anyway, and was at once relieved and more than a little sorry to have finished hanging the wash.

The bouncy visitrix, who used to live nearby, seems even on cold days to dress immodestly, though not flagrantly so.

In fact, her chosen outfit would be but typical of a girl ten years and twenty five pounds her junior. She may be, now that I think of it, labouring under the impression actually that she is ten years and twenty five pounds her junior.

I have never minded the result of her self-deception.

Even less on a trampoline.

I had tried to think of a moral message to tie to this story. I failed. Sometimes I am trying to be a better man. Sometimes I am just hanging out the wash.

Nincompoops and Wicked Reprobates

2008-06-20T00:34:00.002-04:00

Already dictating what publishers may publish, Canada now tells parents how to raise their children.

Ontario has banned smoking in cars with children and the senate passed a bill yesterday to criminalize spanking of children by their parents.

Three exceptions are in the bill, including "preventing the child from engaging or continuing to engage in conduct that is of a criminal nature".

So, when you catch junior selling tobacco to minors or engaging in a little hate-speech against a protected group, I guess you can beat him.

This makes sense in the New Canada.

Common sense has been replaced. Canadian Politicians, that foul cabal of nincompoops and wicked reprobates, will now dictate right from wrong. They know best.

So, when citizens do horrible things that are not explicitly banned, we mustn't complain or say they should have known better. There is no more knowing better. There is only the law. We must ever lobby for a new prohibition, until every single stupid or unpleasant or dangerous thing is punishable by fine or imprisonment.

That'll work.

Newfangled People Spoil Everything

2008-06-19T06:02:00.004-04:00

It has come to my attention that there exists an organization of bitter old hags called Planned Parenthood.

I can hardly imagine a concept so unpleasant as planning parenthood.

The movement from chore to delight must only ever be one way. That is, we may encourage a chore to become a delight, but must never allow a delight to degenerate into a chore. And yet, what but a chore could it be to impregnate one of these Wretched Suffragettes? But lest we spoil drinking or sex, we should no more plan parenthood than set out to drink a hogshead of ale.

They also advocate fornication. For though the Suffragette may find a weak and desperate man on occasion, she will not find one willing to have her longer.

So it is, Good Reader, that in the interests of planning parenthood and spoiling what might otherwise be a very nice time, the Newfangled People have had to accept the most shocking of behaviours.

Apparently it is all in vogue for the modern fellow, and you will simply not believe this is true, to place his issue into a small rubber bag. Why he wants it there is difficult to say. It's very odd.

Perhaps he means to carry it home with him. He will not entrust it to her, that much is clear. The Suffragette has taken his stones but she will not have their contents.

Newfangled people spoil everything.

Freedom's Finest hour may be Behind Us

2008-06-18T06:40:00.003-04:00

"A few broken windows? For this you want I should pick up and move?"
-Mr. Finkelstein. 1938

Pat Buchanan, who is right a lot more than anybody likes to say, writes, Freedom's finest hour may be behind us. I think it is.

Looking back even a few years, I am amazed at how quickly things have regressed. I wonder just how bad the new totalitarianism is about to get. I consider the lessons of history.

Obama Obummer, Satan's Wet Nurse

2008-06-18T05:57:00.002-04:00

With choices slim but me being so very much a pro-choice sort of chappy, I am left hereby to declare my weak support for Barack Obama.

McCain has no character and I'm quite sick of supposedly-conservative political parties offering liberal bums and telling us Righthinkers we've no place else to go. I'll stay home before I'll vote for another one.

Hillary "Satan's Wet Nurse" Clinton would simply never have done.

So we have Obama. With America in the soup which ever way things go, Barack might just be bumbler enough to tear open the wound.

And if he's not the man for it, his good lady wife probably is. Let's get this thing underway already.

Recently, I had hoped to see The Ted Kennedy Deathbed Repentance.
Or, if not both, The Ted Kennedy Repentance.
Or, if not that, The Ted Kennedy Deathbed.

But alas.

Ted's supporting Obama too.

152.4 Centimetres of Fury

2008-06-17T23:18:00.006-04:00

I just realized that Kathy Shaidle is in contravention of the Canada Weights and Measures Act.

Pro Wrestling, Koffi Annan, Fatherhood

2008-06-13T05:45:00.002-04:00

This week, for some reason, people keep saying to me "What's new and exciting?" when what they really mean is "Good afternoon. How are you?"

After the fifth or sixth one, I preferred not to restrain myself.

I said:

Let alone what is both, I am in no position to tell you either what is new or what is exciting.
Do I seem to you as if some kind of chichi neoteric? As if I am up (or is it down?) with what these days engages the hip kids?
In fact, Madam, I have no more interest in the new and exciting than I have in Koffi Annan's views on professional wrestling or the size of Yoko Ono's brassiere.
I find, and I'm sure you'll agree, it is a most distasteful man who attempts to extend unnaturally that period of his life concerned with what's new and exciting; ridiculous little men with their moustaches and flared trousers going out on a Friday night for fits of caprice and disco dancing.
Horrible.
Nay, I am somebodies' father. I am here for Stability and I am here for Order. I am not here for novelty and I am most certainly not here for excitement.

Garbled Platitudes

2008-06-12T22:54:00.008-04:00

I saw this in a public school the other day:

It says "Diversity Is The One True Thing We All Have In Common

In a school, where kids are supposed to be learning to think, they've hung this wildly illogical statement. Presumably the teachers pass it every day. Apparently nobody has said "what a lot of nonsense" and taken it down.

If you try, you can say things about unity in diversity that make sense, but spewing garbled platitudes is pretty important to Newfangled People, especially when you compare it to something all crazy and old fashioned like forming valid thoughts.

So they don't try.
Pity.

Attention

2008-06-11T08:38:00.003-04:00

Steve and Hilary are saying the internet is making us stupid, or at least unable to focus. The Atlantic says so too. It's the Sesame Street of media.

It's probably true.

But big deal. It's not like I was finding the cure for cancer or anything.

You could go read the article at the Atlantic, but apparently you don't have the attention span anymore.

In Spite of Dungeon, Fire, and Sword

2008-06-10T08:59:00.007-04:00

"But if I be asked what sign we may look for to show that the advance of the Faith is at hand, I would answer by a word the modern world has forgotten: Persecution. When that shall once more be at work it will be morning."
-Hilaire Belloc

Canada isn't a free country anymore. Last week, Alberta's Human Rights Commission, farcically so-called, ordered a Protestant pastor never again to speak or write his religious views on sexual morality.

The State has ordered him to abandon his religion and publicly, to embrace the Official Religion of the State.

It seems like bad news.

But good, I say. Before long now the State will bumble into a bishop with a pair fully functioning of those which are particular and unique to men, and the issue will be forced. The State will confiscate Church property and arrest members for holding to the Faith.

Now would be a good time for bishops either to retire or grow a pair.

And we may keep this in mind:

We are not welcome here. Official Canada is trying to stamp us out.

Screw 'em. Keep the Faith.

A Gentleman's Response

2008-06-10T01:07:00.005-04:00

The etiquette books of yesteryear, but for whimsy and interest, are of scarce use to the gentleman of today.

The modern gent, for one, seems unlikely to be at table having to choose from variously sized forks for the salad course. Should he be, as best man, called upon to make a toast, inasmuch a he is relatively sober or only mildly offensive, he will have risen above the common standard.

He has little use for a dinner suit, will never tie a bow tie, and if he rises when a lady does, she is likely to misunderstand and may try to race him to the toilet.

So much for standards.

But though standards fall, decorous conduct will always serve a man. Thus, I propose to provide practical instruction in the graceful handling of the predicaments of modern life.

Posts on such will follow. Reader inquiries are most welcome either by comments left or messages to jdcarriere@gmail.com

The Diverse Tapestry of Nitwits

2008-06-09T09:02:00.009-04:00

Khurrum again: Free speech...

"is really a far-right Republican argument that is being imported into this country."

Not conceding Mr. Awan's point, mostly because it is a stupid and false one, I wonder how it can be that when some groups import ideas into this country, mentioning it is a hate-crime, but when ever us far-rightists try it...

Whither tolerance?

To the Chattering Pinkopagans and the Multicult Twits I say:

The next time you're planning to enjoy the colourful tapestry of state-imposed multiculturalism, by picking up a curry and attending some weird diversity parade (or whatever it is you do) for a change, why not taste the rich flavour of conservatism?
Buy a gun. Say what you think. Pray.
Celebrate a little diversity, you closed-minded nitwits.

Little Green Men from Ottawa

2008-06-07T23:45:00.007-04:00

Here's one:

Justin Trudeau, heir to the Trudeaupian Shambles, says his wretched father's wretched Charter of Rights applies to space aliens, if they become Canadian citizens.

Evidently space aliens are expected to be very stupid.

So to recap: Space aliens are people. Human babies, as yet unborn, are not.

It's a special kind of stupidity.

Hives and Heresy

2008-06-07T14:28:00.002-04:00

I have just come back from a secular event held in a church building belonging to the United Church of Canada.

I sat against the right wall on the extreme right of the United church. I broke out in hives anyway.

Perhaps not the most effective rebuttal

2008-06-06T21:51:00.004-04:00

For his bestseller, Mark Steyn...

"can thank a handful of Muslim goofballs who can't quite grasp that trying to censor an author who claims Muslims in western countries aren't embracing western traditions of individual liberty is perhaps not the most effective rebuttal of the author's thesis".

Quite so.

Blessed Times

2008-06-04T23:45:00.001-04:00

In light of current circumstances, this, originally posted on February 23, 2006, bears repeating. Or I think so anyway. And it's my blog:

* * *
It seems some of my acquaintances have got the wrong idea about me. They seem to think that a fellow's lost hope just because he considers honestly his children's future prospects at martyrdom here in the New Canada.

On the contrary, I say, Christian hope is not to be confused with foolish optimism. But lest I give a false impression, I'm really glass-half-full kind of guy.

In fact, it is a great time to be a contrarian crank. Holy Church now collapsed and the culture gone fully to crap, you never have to look far for something to grouse about.

And still, things are running pretty much tickety-boo.

Living is easy and the Chinese working for nothing affords us the illusion of wealth. Tobacco remains widely available. There's hockey or there's football on the television almost every weekend and never in human history has such a variety of good quality whisky been so easy to come by.

Newspapers, though instruments of socialist indoctrination, still go nicely with a good cuppa and a Saturday morning, and having children continues to be more fun even than making them in the first place.

Though nearly everyone I meet is a filthy cursed pagan, I've found filthy cursed pagans to be really rather nice. And even with all these nice people around, I still like my wife better than anybody. She's fun, engaging and brilliant, and, Deo gratias, has profoundly nice legs.

Indeed, to live in these times is truly a blessing.

Mugabe on Cannucki Human Rights

2008-06-04T10:10:00.006-04:00

"The B.C. Human Rights Tribunal is an amateurish affront to the proud dictatorial tradition of show trials, kangaroo courts, and secret tribunals. You people make me ill."
Robert Mugabe

If you were going to go to the bother of a show trial, wouldn't you try to make a show of a trial?

I mean, we know he's guilty of being accused, and that's what matters in the New Canada, but this is just embarrassing. Mao is rolling in his grave.

In fact, if we could skip right to the extrajudicial killings, it would just seem so much more reasonable.

***

update: articles. National Post and Vancouver Sun.

First Day of State Indoctrination

2008-06-03T10:08:00.008-04:00

"Come on Billy. You'll be late for your first day of State Indoctrination!" called Billy's mom.

"Aw Mommy, I don't want to go. Learning to read is hard. I'm scared" said Billy.

"Oh silly bear, they aren't going to teach you to read!"

"But I'll miss you, Mommy" said Billy.

"You'll be okay Billy. Besides, Mommy's only a social construct."

Epsilon-Minus Semi-Morons

2008-06-02T22:58:00.008-04:00

Aldous Huxley:

"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored".

Which seems an awfully good thing when you consider the apparent inability of WhoIsRunningTheJoint to grasp them.

Ezra reports on the British Columbia Human Rights Tribunal's ruling that some guy whose condo board won't let him keep a dog deserves twelve thousand dollars in damages. Why? Because he might go blind and he wants to keep his dog.

His is dog is not a seeing eye dog. People with working eyes don't get to keep ordinary dogs there either.

But he might go blind.

And maybe he might train his dog first.

Or something. It doesn't even matter to these people.

As Canada swirls around the drain, Right Thinking people are apt to compare our situation to Huxley's Brave New World.

That's wrong.

The Brave New World had Alpha-Plus World Controllers. Here, we have the Epsilon-Minus Semi-Morons in control.

Be concerned.

Fie on Big Government

2008-05-30T10:52:00.005-04:00

"For instance, people who live in remote and rural areas don't have the same access to telephone hotlines and group or individual counselling as people in urban settings."

"Most smokers want to quit, but access to help (is) not universally available".

Conversely, dozens of delicious brands of cigarettes are universally available. Menthol too.

Private industry always does it better.

A Cold One and The Holy Rosary

2008-05-30T07:11:00.001-04:00

As Canadians expect an election, anyway, within a year, we consider election issues and voting strategy.

Right thinking conservatives who vote for the Conservative Party, so called, don't really expect it to work out. We're like Lindsay Lohan checking into rehab. We do it anyway. Over and over.

It's getting so the only issue left for me is taxes.

Seeing as, one way or 'tuther, I'm going to live out my days under the jackboot of OmniRegulating, PeaceNiking, NewSpeaking, AnythingHumping, BabyKilling, SoulDestroying, ThinkStupid nannystatism, I'd at least like a few bucks left over for a six pack and a nice Pastrami with Swiss on grilled Rye.

Who needs God-given freedom when you've got a sack of Corned Beef on Kaisers? Just leave me a cold one and the Holy Rosary. I'll be okay.

Whale Farts

2008-05-29T06:14:00.004-04:00

I hear we are running out of petroleum to run our cars

methane "contributes" to "global" "warming"

whales must fart an awful lot of methane

Clearly somebody needs to invent a car that runs on whale oil.

French People Aren't So Bad

2008-05-29T05:32:00.002-04:00

Because some of them make baguettes. And cheese.

Saint Louis IX was French. Granted, he's been dead for eight hundred years but I'll bet there's been somebody decent since. Look at that Lourdes thing. That's less than two hundred years ago.

And somebody voted for Sarkozy. He seems okay. I hear he's Hungarian.

Brigitte Bardot. There you go. Notwithstanding opposition to the seal hunt. Oh, and the stuff she's been saying about Muslims. We sure don't hold with that. We wouldn't even think it, even if we did. The Canadian Government says it's illegal to think and we aren't about to think anything that's not Officially Permitted.

Forget Brigitte.

Sophie Marceau. Now she's a bit of all right. She's not related to that Marcel weirdo, is she?

France: not just mimes, surrender, and Pepé Le Pew. No sir. France is okay in my books.

This piece runs in settlement of my own potential human rights complaint against myself. It serves to mitigate the possible perception of an editorial slant against France and the French, not admitted but expressly denied.

The Farce of Canucki Justice

2008-05-27T23:56:00.002-04:00

It has come to my attention that I have posted disparagingly on France and Individuals of French Heritage not less than four times in the last twenty-one days.

I am thinking of filing a human rights complaint.

I know it's crazy to post something on a website and then sue for the pain and suffering my own post has caused me, but that is what is happening in Canada right now. If I have failed so far to communicate this point, let me be clear. This is a matter of urgency:

Employees of the Federal Government go on websites, write nasty stuff, sue over it, and shut the websites down. No Joke.

Canadian courts are acting as censors and killing a whole mess of the super-good freedoms that make us, like, not China. 'Kay?

Go to Ezra and read. Read it all. They're also censoring magazines, charities, and McDonalds restaurants. It's nuts.

I, in the meantime, am demanding a right of reply. I'm not about to let myself get away with all this French-bashing.

In exchange for dropping my human rights complaint against myself, I've agreed to let my, er, self write a response of equal size on why French people aren't so bad after all.

Watch for it.

2008-05-27T23:14:00.001-04:00

With Irish Jim O'Connel there and Scotty Jack MacDonald,
There's hunky Fredrick Herzell gettin' tight, but that's all right,
There's happy German Fritzy there with Frenchy getting tipsy,
And even Joe the Gypsy knows it's Saturday tonight.

Maxime's Maxim

2008-05-27T15:09:00.008-04:00

Until yesterday, Maxime Bernier was a Canadian cabinet minister. Ostensibly on accusations of a security breech involving a biker-girl girlfriend and NATO secrets, he's been sacked.

It's the very exciting kind of stuff that never actually happens with stuffy Canuck pols. The real reason, the commentary goes, is that he wasn't any good at, well, much, and all this is an expedient excuse to be rid of him.

The lesson, of course, is if you're not up to a job, it's best to acquire the competency or leave the task to someone else. If not, you risk being found out "a bumbling boob".

Thus, Maxime's Maxim:

It's better to fade out, than to Bernier.

God Keep Our Land Glorious and Free

2008-05-26T09:31:00.003-04:00

As Quebec debates banishing the Crucifix from the National Assembly, and Canadian freedom generally disintegrates, a few lessons from the Anthem are in order.

"Protégera nos foyers et nos droits"

I think that's "Hurrah for the State, which drops off our Rights in the vestibule, so we don't even have to get up or anything".

And

"Car ton bras sait porter l'épée,
Il sait porter la croix!"

means "All the firearms destroyed or duly registered, Let's do the same with the crosses".

Quebec's motto is Je me souviens. I don't think they get the irony.

Steyn, Recourse to Bourbon

2008-05-23T23:41:00.007-04:00

If you have been paying attention, you will have heard that Mark Steyn has written a book. Some people have objected to it. I don't see why.

The premise of the book has it that with too many Europeans being dunderheaded, communistic, layabout, foolhardy, pantywasited pollyannas, too self-absorbed to breed or notice, Europe ought to expect some changes.

It seems reasonable enough, what with old folks tending to die.

Apparently, Europe has encouraged a lot of people to move there and fill the vacancies. While I know little personally about the people they've been bringing in, apparently some of these people object to the idea of themselves becoming dunderheaded, communistic, layabout, foolhardy, pantywasited pollyannas, prefering instead to live in some degree like they've been used to, following their own rules and customs.

Again, it sounds reasonable. I don't blame them. I should very much dislike it if my own sons turned out to be little Frenchmen. I expect reasonable people to discourage it.

That, too, seems to be the point. The replacements, by doing what people do, apparently have children while the Frenchmen who have nearly given up acting like humans, have almost no little Frenchmen of their own.

At any rate, one thing I do know about these replacements is that the drinking of alcohol is contrary to their religion. Let us only hope that the distilling and shipping to North America of alcohol is not. Otherwise, we shall be before long deprived of gin and Scotch, and reduced to Canadian whisky and tequila.

I shall have recourse to Bourbon, I suppose. Still, read the book. We might try yet to head this thing off.

Gin For Tots Foundation

2008-05-22T00:04:00.001-04:00

Entering an establishment today I was solicited by two young women behind a folding table.

At this point I pause to remind what I believe to be a healthy proportion of my readership, to pull your minds out of the gutter. You'll not go far encouraging those impulses. I exhort you to raise your mind to higher things. You will be ennobled.

As I was saying; I was solicited.

They were raising funds and attempting to raise some of mine. They said something about alcohol and tobacco and kids. I wasn't paying close attention.

So I said, as I reached for my wallet "So then... you buy whiskey and cigarettes for under privileged kids? Well I'm not sure as I support starting them too young, but then, what really is too young, eh? I mean, I think it's nice when poor kids can have the same opportunities as the rich ones".

I looked up, holding in my hand all the money I had. They appeared as if bewildered.

"What?" I said, innocently, or meaning to sound so.

"No" began the one, "We try to keep kids off alcohol, drugs and tobacco".

I did my best to look at her as if she had a gin and tonic for a head.

"Off... tobacco? Really? You don't say. Well, then I apologize. I misunderstood. I'm afraid yours is a bit of a useless project. Because if their parents won't keep them off drugs, then my money won't do any good either. I'd much rather spend it on my own alcohol.

"But I wish you all the best of luck. Good day".