What I Learned Today

Oompah Loompah-style retribution: Good.

Earth Day

In honour of Earth Day, and in case you missed it, I'm recycling last year's post. I liked it that much.



Today is Earth Day. The Enviropagan Loonies say so.

I recently purchased a push-powered reel lawn mower. I bought it because I am cheap. Then, however, overcome as I was with worry about potentially reducing the size of my Carbon Footprint, I cut down all the trees in my yard and burned them.

The wood was still wet, so I had to use gasoline.

Happy Earth Day.

Pire8: Make Piracy History

Rock legends Bono and Elton John today announced a concert series for the benefit of the Somali Pirates.

"I really believe what we're seeing here, root causes like, is just a consequence of dire shortages. So we're going to play some music, right, and then, we're going to have Sean Penn sail over in a big boat loaded with eye patches..."

"and condoms."

"...yes Elton, and condoms..."

"It can get lonely on a pirate ship you know."

"As I was saying. We're going to have this really big boat, which we hope the pirates will hijack and make use of. Er... of the eye patches, not, you know, of Sean"

"Not that there's anything the matter with that kind of thing."

"Ehm.. We really feel, that if we can deliver the needed supplies, these desperate men..."

"Ooo!"

"...may not be driven to these extremes. So join us for Pire8: Make Piracy History."

iPhilistine

Elizabeth II by the Grace of God, Queen of the Britons, Defender of the Faith, Empress of India, has been given an iPod by Barry Obama, President of the United States of America, Boor, Boob, and Barbarian.

Speaking for myself, I do not, in fact, Pod. Perhaps Her Britannic Majesty will.

Which brings me to an entirely unrelated point. One very satisfying way to annoy the hip young folk is, at the mention of the iPod device, to conjugate it as if it were a verb. Also, if you must say it, put the emphasis on the second syllable.

At any rate, as President Obama continues his foibles, I continue to be confused about this first black president business.

Bill Clinton, apparently, claimed to be America's first black president. At first I had trouble believing this. He seemed so white. Then I remembered his clear preference for fat white girls. I am now more confused than ever.

Barefoot and Pashtun?

I have not seen a translation of the text, but apparently Afghanistan's President Karzai intends to pass a law making it illegal for a woman to refuse relations with her husband or to go out of the house without his permission.

Here, people are outraged. Canadian soldiers, they are saying, should not be fighting for a society that legalizes rape. Of course this is so, as far as it goes.

I know almost nothing of the Afghan culture, but does this shocking lack of imagination and initiative manifest itself in other matters as well? Does it, for instance, account for the fact that nobody has bothered to build roads in this country until now?

Really, if these chaps want their women to be at home barefoot and pregnant, I suggest they do like the rest of us and start by buying them chocolate and hiding their shoes.

Really, do they expect the government to do everything?

Free Range Jesus

As Easter nears, I have been very pleased to find no pascal variant of the "Keep Christ in Christmas" campaign. I reject the very notion as unchristian.

Clearly the very great majority, fond of nativity scenes, caroling, and suchlike, have no objection to Keeping Christ in Christmas. Rather, if an objection be heard, it will be not to keeping him in, but to letting him out.