Saturday, December 13, 2008

Diversity With Optional Silencer, or How to: Make a Breakfast Shake

I like to start the day off right with a balanced breakfast shake.

But Carriere, you're thinking, I didn't know you were a health-nut.

Well perhaps, Dear Reader, you might try being a little more open minded, and not rush to judgement. Not to worry. Helping you open-mindedly appreciate the rainbow of diversity is what we do here.

Like the other day in the toy aisle when the kind lady remarked to me that she was trying to find a police badge and I pointed one out, which, I cheerily added, seemed to come with an oh-so-cool rubber bullet gun, optional silencer, and S.W.A.T. gear.

She replied in the nasal apology unique to the Sappy Urban Liberal. "I saw that. I didn't want to get it". Here she dropped her voice, conspiratorially "you know, it isn't very positive".

I decided to help her appreciate the open-minded rainbow of diversity.

"Of course I agree" I nodded with all the mock-sympathy I could muster. It seemed artificial to me, but you must remember how much mock-sympathy is a mainstay of the Sappy Urban Liberal. If you're going to reach out to these people, you need to speak their language.

I followed her lead and dropped my voice to a stage whisper, still nodding understandingly "but if you're the hostage who's just been freed by a keen eyed and morally unambiguous police sharp-shooter, you might take a view of high powered weapons that is rather more "positive".

I made finger quotes in the air, lest she mistake me.

My daily good turn thus satisfied, I went off to buy the cheapest bottle of whisky I could find.

But as I was saying, I like to enjoy the natural high of good health.

Breakfast shakes should be made properly, with fat-free milk, yoghurt, a banana, and whatever fresh fruit you have handy. And because eighty-dollar-a-bottle single malt simply has no place in a breakfast shake, you'll be needing that cheap whisky.

For extra kick, I'll toss in a few handfuls of instant coffee crystals and 500 mg of ibuprofen. Whiz in blender and serve.

I used to use Tylenol, but I read that could damage my liver.

1 comment:

crusader88 said...

You are quite the storyteller; gald you're back in action.