Thursday, June 15, 2006

Summa Alcoholica

A few weeks ago I wrote that there was some Bushmills 1608 in my hip flask. The genteel reader may not realize that Bushmills is Ulster-made. A correspondent, therefore, accuses me of "sinning with a protestant whiskey".

I reject the very possibility.

God wants us drinking whisky. He says so in the Apocalypse: "he that will, let him take the water of life, freely."

Did you get that? Aqua Vitae, man. That's whisky. Drink it freely, he says.

A chapter later he's talking about the "sanctified still". Now I'll grant you the whisky that comes off a still that's sanctified has got to be Catholic, so, confident that the Angelic Doctor would have got around to it if he'd had the time, I thus present my second of the supplement of the third part of my Summa Alcoholica.

Here we consider:

Whether it is sinful to drink protestant whisky.

Objection 1: It would seem that it is sinful to drink protestant whisky. For, protestantism is evil and an evil tree cannot bring forth good fruit. Since the fruits of a protestant distiller are evil, therefore it is evil to drink protestant whisky.

Objection 2: Further, whiskey always leads to drunkenness and drunkenness is always sinful, therefore it is evil even to drink whisky.

On the contrary, Saint Paul says "Do not still drink water" (Tim. 5).

I answer that, there is no sin in drinking protestant whisky, for as St. John tells us, "believe not every spirit, but TRY THE SPIRITS". So I'm trying the spirits. Now this particular bottle of spirits happens to have been made by prots. Still, where's the harm? It is written that "the pot of meal shall not waste" (3 Kings 17). Obviously that means Irish Whiskey. It's made in a pot-still, of corn meal, and I ain't wastin' it.

Reply to Objection 1. Our Lord tells us "you then being evil, know how to give good gifts". It is therefore evident that protestants, being evil, can still make a damn fine whisky. The Scots do, and they're Presbyterian. Nobody's as evil as Presbyterians.

Reply to Objection 2. It is written "after he had recovered his spirits he fell down at her feet" (Judith 13). Now this guy was falling-down drunk, but have you ever tried to take a drink away from a drunk? He'll go to lengths to recover his spirits, I can tell you. So, after buddy gets his drink back, he falls down and starts praising God. Praising God is good fruits. You don't gather figs from thorns. Therefore drunkenness is not always evil, and drinking protestant whisky is an incentive to piety.

Of note, Irish and American whiskies are spelled whiskey. All others are whisky. I hope I have kept it straight above and only spelled it with the 'e' in specific cases.


Inquisitor Generalis said...

So if St. Thomas Aquinas was the Angelic Doctor... would that make you the Alcoholic Doctor?

KaleJ said...

I haven't read the summa alcholica, but I can relate to summer alcholica. Camping and fishing and BBQing always are better in good "spirits"

J D Carriere said...

"The Alcoholic Doctor"... I like the sound of it, Inquisitor. Boy, that'd be something.

J D Carriere said...

If you read that post, Kale, you've read the whole thing. But you may not quite remember, depending on your spirits.

Jovan-Marya Weismiller, T.O.Carm. said...

My God, man! Drinking prot uisce beatha will send you stright to hell! Drink Jameson's or Tullamore Dew, both products of a Catholic country. I end every working day by walking across the street to an upstairs pub called Harling's (formerly the Irish Falcons social club) and have a pint of Guiness and a fist of Tully. If they're out of it (not likely!), I order Jameson's.

Cajun Nick said...

Great post.

I've got to say that I prefer Bushmills to Jameson, too.