Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Episcopal Euthanasia

Canada's kooky Catholic-run federal government is at it again. This time it's euthanasia they're thinking about. So my bishop wrote us all a letter. And I guess he's not the only bishop to do so. We're all instructed to write to the Prime Minister and our local representative. This nonsense has got to stop, we're supposed to say. Apparently the Canadian Bishop's Conference sent letters to every Member of Parliament too.

And it got me thinking. It's not that I mind a Catholic Bishop trying to teach the Catholic Faith. I sure don't. It's just that I wondered what could have spurred them to action so quickly. I mean, it took most of them more than a year to cough up a single letter on marriage. How is it that euthanasia got their passionate interest after only three months? What is it about euthanasia that lights a bishop's fire so quickly?

Then I realized. It's no wonder the Bishops have decided to act. This time it's personal and they're about to learn a lesson in practical consequences.

Because after these last forty years under their careful tutelage, we've all pretty much given up the Faith. Not only that, but birth rates, congregations, and donations have all dropped off pretty sharply.

Paying hefty pensions to Bishops Emeritii can be awfully tough on these shrinking and aging congregations.

I mean, what if we could just ease a few of these expensive retirees into a little Death with Dignity? Imagine the savings! I know, I know, it's terrible. I shouldn't even think of it. And if times weren't so tough I wouldn't dare.

Really, I'd like a nice big episcopate. I'd have a whole house-full if I could, I really would. But they're just so expensive. You understand.

Anyway, being the good Canuck Catholic that I am, I've been on a quest for guidance. I read the Canadian Bishops' 1968 "Winnipeg Statement" on artificial birth control, and I found good news for us faithful working so hard to make ends meet.

We all know it's intrinsically kind of bad to bump off our bishop emeritus, but, see, it's just like they said in Winnipeg:

"if these persons have tried sincerely but without success to pursue a line of conduct in keeping with the given directives, they may be safely assured that whoever honestly chooses that course that seems right to him does so in good conscience."

And I can tell you; I've tried sincerely. I've been examining my conscience and soul-searching like a Jesuit theologian, and episcopal euthanasia really seems like the right thing to do.

So thanks for the advance absolution, Excellencies. See you on the other side!

1 comment:

D. Anderson, Ottawa said...

I love this! I hope the Canadian Bishops repudiate the Winnepeg Statement soon. Hopefully before Mr. Carriere gets to them.