Dependence Day

President Barack Obama, by Executive Order, Hereby decrees, July 4, Dependence Day. We HOPE! you enjoy the CHANGE!

May God Help America.

Second Rate Supreme Leader on Canada

On this, the national holiday of my beloved and beleaguered land, Tarek Fatah has written a delightful little piece on the rainbow of diversity we all so enjoy here in the New Canada.

Apparently some chap who is a vice president of the Canadian Arab Federation has posted to his Facebook page "Fuck Canada Day".

But when he writes "Fuck Canada Day" does he mean:

a) "This is a day for fucking Canada"

or

b) "Fuck this, our national holiday"?

Herein the problem with the stupid new name "Canada Day". If they had just kept the proper, traditional, and sensible name "Dominion Day" we wouldn't be asking these questions. Why must they always tinker?

Whatever, I am compelled to agree. Fuck Canada Day. Happy Dominion Day.

Dominion Day

The Maple Leaf

Our Emblem Dear,

The Maple Leaf Forever.

God save our Queen and heaven bless,

The Maple Leaf Forever.

What I Learned Today

Oompah Loompah-style retribution: Good.

Earth Day

In honour of Earth Day, and in case you missed it, I'm recycling last year's post. I liked it that much.



Today is Earth Day. The Enviropagan Loonies say so.

I recently purchased a push-powered reel lawn mower. I bought it because I am cheap. Then, however, overcome as I was with worry about potentially reducing the size of my Carbon Footprint, I cut down all the trees in my yard and burned them.

The wood was still wet, so I had to use gasoline.

Happy Earth Day.

Pire8: Make Piracy History

Rock legends Bono and Elton John today announced a concert series for the benefit of the Somali Pirates.

"I really believe what we're seeing here, root causes like, is just a consequence of dire shortages. So we're going to play some music, right, and then, we're going to have Sean Penn sail over in a big boat loaded with eye patches..."

"and condoms."

"...yes Elton, and condoms..."

"It can get lonely on a pirate ship you know."

"As I was saying. We're going to have this really big boat, which we hope the pirates will hijack and make use of. Er... of the eye patches, not, you know, of Sean"

"Not that there's anything the matter with that kind of thing."

"Ehm.. We really feel, that if we can deliver the needed supplies, these desperate men..."

"Ooo!"

"...may not be driven to these extremes. So join us for Pire8: Make Piracy History."

iPhilistine

Elizabeth II by the Grace of God, Queen of the Britons, Defender of the Faith, Empress of India, has been given an iPod by Barry Obama, President of the United States of America, Boor, Boob, and Barbarian.

Speaking for myself, I do not, in fact, Pod. Perhaps Her Britannic Majesty will.

Which brings me to an entirely unrelated point. One very satisfying way to annoy the hip young folk is, at the mention of the iPod device, to conjugate it as if it were a verb. Also, if you must say it, put the emphasis on the second syllable.

At any rate, as President Obama continues his foibles, I continue to be confused about this first black president business.

Bill Clinton, apparently, claimed to be America's first black president. At first I had trouble believing this. He seemed so white. Then I remembered his clear preference for fat white girls. I am now more confused than ever.

Barefoot and Pashtun?

I have not seen a translation of the text, but apparently Afghanistan's President Karzai intends to pass a law making it illegal for a woman to refuse relations with her husband or to go out of the house without his permission.

Here, people are outraged. Canadian soldiers, they are saying, should not be fighting for a society that legalizes rape. Of course this is so, as far as it goes.

I know almost nothing of the Afghan culture, but does this shocking lack of imagination and initiative manifest itself in other matters as well? Does it, for instance, account for the fact that nobody has bothered to build roads in this country until now?

Really, if these chaps want their women to be at home barefoot and pregnant, I suggest they do like the rest of us and start by buying them chocolate and hiding their shoes.

Really, do they expect the government to do everything?

Free Range Jesus

As Easter nears, I have been very pleased to find no pascal variant of the "Keep Christ in Christmas" campaign. I reject the very notion as unchristian.

Clearly the very great majority, fond of nativity scenes, caroling, and suchlike, have no objection to Keeping Christ in Christmas. Rather, if an objection be heard, it will be not to keeping him, but to letting him out.

Born in the U.S.A.

Bruce Springsteen is scheduled to perform at Obama's Inauguration.

He will play all your most fitting favourites; including The Price You Pay, Nothing Man, Brilliant Disguise, My City Of Ruins, Trouble In Paradise, and Wages Of Sin.

Everything, really, except "Born in the U.S.A."

Womyn's Studies

Final Exam

1) Do you have a vagina?

a) Yes.
b) I am a hate-filled crap-sack of misogyny and oppression.

God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen

God rest ye merry, gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember, Christ, our Saviour
Was born on Christmas day
To save us all from Satan's power
When we were gone astray
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

Diversity With Optional Silencer, or How to: Make a Breakfast Shake

I like to start the day off right with a balanced breakfast shake.

But Carriere, you're thinking, I didn't know you were a health-nut.

Well perhaps, Dear Reader, you might try being a little more open minded, and not rush to judgement. Not to worry. Helping you open-mindedly appreciate the rainbow of diversity is what we do here.

Like the other day in the toy aisle when the kind lady remarked to me that she was trying to find a police badge and I pointed one out, which, I cheerily added, seemed to come with an oh-so-cool rubber bullet gun, optional silencer, and S.W.A.T. gear.

She replied in the nasal apology unique to the Sappy Urban Liberal. "I saw that. I didn't want to get it". Here she dropped her voice, conspiratorially "you know, it isn't very positive".

I decided to help her appreciate the open-minded rainbow of diversity.

"Of course I agree" I nodded with all the mock-sympathy I could muster. It seemed artificial to me, but you must remember how much mock-sympathy is a mainstay of the Sappy Urban Liberal. If you're going to reach out to these people, you need to speak their language.

I followed her lead and dropped my voice to a stage whisper, still nodding understandingly "but if you're the hostage who's just been freed by a keen eyed and morally unambiguous police sharp-shooter, you might take a view of high powered weapons that is rather more "positive".

I made finger quotes in the air, lest she mistake me.

My daily good turn thus satisfied, I went off to buy the cheapest bottle of whisky I could find.

But as I was saying, I like to enjoy the natural high of good health.

Breakfast shakes should be made properly, with fat-free milk, yoghurt, a banana, and whatever fresh fruit you have handy. And because eighty-dollar-a-bottle single malt simply has no place in a breakfast shake, you'll be needing that cheap whisky.

For extra kick, I'll toss in a few handfuls of instant coffee crystals and 500 mg of ibuprofen. Whiz in blender and serve.

I used to use Tylenol, but I read that could damage my liver.

Goldfish and Circuses

If I were blogging right now, I wonder if I would have anything interesting to say about the apparent coming short supply of bread and circuses.

Anyway I'm not.

I'm very concerned for my goldfish. They are clearly outgrowing their tank. I've never known twenty-five cent feeder-fish to last so long.

It's weird.

On leave

It happened in my kitchen the other day that I stumbled and spilled on the floor an entire bottle of gin.

I pondered the best method of recovery but being, as I was at that moment, bereft of tonic water, I could see no civilized and sensible way forward but to prepare a vodka martini right there on the linoleum.

As I finished pouring out a bottle of vodka, I realized to my terrific dismay that I'd no vermouth. I hastened at once to my goodly neighbour to enquire after a spot of it.

Moments later, vermouth in hand and feeling quite as jubilant as a French Youth who has just torched his first Citroën, I returned home to the heartrending sight of Missus Carriere having addressed the entire matter with her mop.

As you will imagine, Dear Reader, I am quite defeated.
Blogging will resume upon my recovery. In the meantime, the links, labels, and archives are not working.

Check next week.

Rising Sea, Goblin Attacks

"California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger on Friday ordered preparations for rising sea levels from global warming". The Governor also plans a new emergency-preparedness guide for goblin attacks and minotaur stampedes.

They Grow up so Fast

Skippydale (SNS) - The Skippydale Education Authority today announced a new Public-Private Partnership in conjunction with the Infex Latex Company.

"We don't generally go in for public-privates" began Chairperson Steve, "They seem so American. We like our education one-tier. We can't have some kids learning to read while others fail, you know.

"But with the overwhelming success of our Primary Grades Sexual Education program, we have seen a certain rise in Nap-time Related Infectivity, and felt it was the right time to act."

Beginning in January, schools will make available the new product, free of charge, to students from kindergarten through grade two.

"We recognize the value in providing your children with usable information about sex and relationships, in an age-appropriate fashion. Now, we have made the additional progress of providing them with prophylactics that are size-appropriate".

Adorned with familiar and non-threatening cartoon characters, such as Wee Willie Winkie, the new PeeWee brand condoms bear the slogan "Big Fun for Little Scamps" and boast dimensions of two inches long by two fifths of an inch wide.

"They're only going to do it anyway. They grow up so fast these days".

Colourblind Race Baiting

Ever since they went and elected that Obama chap, I'm getting awfully tired of people saying they, or others, are "blind to colour" or "blind to race".

Someone said it to me today, and I'm afraid I may have taken out my frustration.

Me (sneering angrily): "Well, isn't that nice. It's easy for you. Your ancestors weren't ripped from their homeland, brought here on slave ships, and brutalized like animals. Of course you're blind to colour. I'm a victim every day to racism. I'll never be blind to colour."

Him: "But you're white."

Me: "I thought you said you were blind to colour. You foul, race-baiting sack of hate. You disgust me."

Lest we Forget

Take up our quarrel with the foe:

To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders Fields.

- John McCrae