Thursday, August 15, 2013

Nine Things I Learned About Life from Shaving with a Straight Razor

1. Don't be such a wuss.
How bad can it really be? If it is that bad, can you live with it? If the answer is yes, then get going.
2. Focus. 
You really don't need to think about that right now; and you really do need to think about this. You're a talented enough guy, and if you can put your whole self on this one thing for a minute, you'll be surprised what you pull off.
3. Be efficient but don't rush. 
You'll fuck up.
5. There's nobody to blame but you.
You're the one holding the razor.
4.  Don't get cocky.
Just because it's going well right now does not mean that one second from now you won't be marveling at how much blood can come out of a little cut like that.  
6. Plan well, then execute with confidence.
Too much confidence will kill you, but so will too little.  A shaky hand is not what you need right now, or ever. Collect yourself. Once you know what you need to do, do it.  But remember...
7. Things can get messy.
There are bumps in this road and you need to be prepared. Bring a towel. There's only so much a styptic pencil can handle.
8. Everything they told you since the 80's was crap.  Chicks do like danger.
9. So do you.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Drop Kick a Leftist

There's a link everyone's posting to Facebook about the CBC and pro-wrestling. In the usual way of smug leftists, the clear suggestion is that stupid common folk like wrestling and that the CBC, even if it is a lot of dull crap, is favoured by intelligent people - who don't go in for that flashy low-brow stuff.

But if it's the really brilliant set who's watching CBC, why they can't pay for it themselves? Why must they use the taxing power of the state to confiscate wages from the simple-stupid wrestling fan, in order to keep their ratings-failure on the air?

The answer is, because they can. For all the drivel they mouth about fairness and equity, being a leftist is really about being a snob. They wouldn't pay taxes to fund your viewing choices, but they expect you to fund theirs. Because they think you're stupid and that they're better than you, they think they're entitled to your money.

So strike a blow for fairness, and drop kick a leftist.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Purple Day

Coming via email and facebook groups, there is an effort afoot to get a lot of people to wear purple on some particular date "To Commemorate the Suicides Caused by Homophobia".

On hearing of such tragic events, one questions the fortitude of the self-killers at issue. I am not aware, for instance, of a single spider killing himself owing to arachnephobia or a lot of foxy Japanese-American broads committing hara-kiri over the twin scourges of caligynephobia and xenophobia.

The Epilepsy Association people are going to be a annoyed. They've been holding a "Wear Purple Day" for years; not, as one might assume, to commemorate the suicides caused by hylephobia, but rather to raise awareness about epilepsy.

Apparently it hasn't worked all that well, probably because they picked such a sissy colour.

Friday, October 08, 2010

Don't actually watch this movie. It's very violent.




Sappy Urban Liberals often say that right-thinking people are mean. They say this with a straight face because they believe it. They believe a lot of stupid things.

It's true that People who Aren't Morons scorn the Warmist Mother-gaia Kooks because they're ridiculous, but as the ad above gives away, we're not the ones to suggest or play on their murder or the murder of their children.

Adults with the intellectual honesty and emotional stability of children are almost always leftist.

Once they get enough power under their little totalitarian belts, their hissy fits frequently turn murderous. Thank God they're only fantasizing about it yet.

I assure you, Dear Reader, that I am a nature lover. My children have all been diapered in cloth dried on a line. Composting is my hobby. I am not cool, but my gardens are. I have a reel mower. These are my bona fides.

But that man's activities are changing the climate is a dirty lie, unsupported by science. This lie has been promoted by depopulationists who are on Satan's payroll, for the purpose of promoting the hatred of Man which is the Devil's purpose.

Perhaps the saddest thing about it all, is that this lie has been swallowed by countless ordinary men of goodwill who, feeling the deep longing of the human condition, but unable to correctly identify it (owing to the failing of the Church in these terrible times) grab on to stupid and useless causes in place of the unfathomable greatness for which Man truly is made.

All the best sentences take up a whole paragraph.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Higher Things

I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor.
-Henry David Thoreau
In a public place recently I saw one of those electric stair-lifts like the one the Gremlins used to launch the old lady out the window. What I hadn't seen ever before was posted there on the wall: an Ontario License for Elevating Devices.

So it goes.

Citizens, it seems, must avoid elevating themselves unless they have received the requisite permissions; and so they do.

Friday, July 03, 2009

Dependence Day


President Barack Obama, by Executive Order, Hereby decrees, July 4, Dependence Day. We HOPE! you enjoy the CHANGE!

May God Help America.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Dominion Day

The Maple Leaf
Our Emblem Dear,
The Maple Leaf Forever.
God save our Queen and heaven bless,
The Maple Leaf Forever.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

What I Learned Today

Oompah Loompah-style retribution: Good.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Earth Day

In honour of Earth Day, and in case you missed it, I'm recycling last year's post. I liked it that much.



Today is Earth Day. The Enviropagan Loonies say so.

I recently purchased a push-powered reel lawn mower. I bought it because I am cheap. Then, however, overcome as I was with worry about potentially reducing the size of my Carbon Footprint, I cut down all the trees in my yard and burned them.

The wood was still wet, so I had to use gasoline.

Happy Earth Day.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Pire8: Make Piracy History

Rock legends Bono and Elton John today announced a concert series for the benefit of the Somali Pirates.

"I really believe what we're seeing here, root causes like, is just a consequence of dire shortages. So we're going to play some music, right, and then, we're going to have Sean Penn sail over in a big boat loaded with eye patches..."

"and condoms."

"...yes Elton, and condoms..."

"It can get lonely on a pirate ship you know."

"As I was saying. We're going to have this really big boat, which we hope the pirates will hijack and make use of. Er... of the eye patches, not, you know, of Sean"

"Not that there's anything the matter with that kind of thing."

"Ehm.. We really feel, that if we can deliver the needed supplies, these desperate men..."

"Ooo!"

"...may not be driven to these extremes. So join us for Pire8: Make Piracy History."

Friday, April 03, 2009

iPhilistine

Elizabeth II by the Grace of God, Queen of the Britons, Defender of the Faith, Empress of India, has been given an iPod by Barry Obama, President of the United States of America, Boor, Boob, and Barbarian.

Speaking for myself, I do not, in fact, Pod. Perhaps Her Britannic Majesty will.

Which brings me to an entirely unrelated point. One very satisfying way to annoy the hip young folk is, at the mention of the iPod device, to conjugate it as if it were a verb. Also, if you must say it, put the emphasis on the second syllable.

At any rate, as President Obama continues his foibles, I continue to be confused about this first black president business.

Bill Clinton, apparently, claimed to be America's first black president. At first I had trouble believing this. He seemed so white. Then I remembered his clear preference for fat white girls. I am now more confused than ever.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Barefoot and Pashtun?

I have not seen a translation of the text, but apparently Afghanistan's President Karzai intends to pass a law making it illegal for a woman to refuse relations with her husband or to go out of the house without his permission.

Here, people are outraged. Canadian soldiers, they are saying, should not be fighting for a society that legalizes rape. Of course this is so, as far as it goes.

I know almost nothing of the Afghan culture, but does this shocking lack of imagination and initiative manifest itself in other matters as well? Does it, for instance, account for the fact that nobody has bothered to build roads in this country until now?

Really, if these chaps want their women to be at home barefoot and pregnant, I suggest they do like the rest of us and start by buying them chocolate and hiding their shoes.

Really, do they expect the government to do everything?

Free Range Jesus

As Easter nears, I have been very pleased to find no pascal variant of the "Keep Christ in Christmas" campaign. I reject the very notion as unchristian.

Clearly the very great majority, fond of nativity scenes, caroling, and suchlike, have no objection to Keeping Christ in Christmas. Rather, if an objection be heard, it will be not to keeping him in, but to letting him out.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Born in the U.S.A.

Bruce Springsteen is scheduled to perform at Obama's Inauguration.

He will play all your most fitting favourites; including The Price You Pay, Nothing Man, Brilliant Disguise, My City Of Ruins, Trouble In Paradise, and Wages Of Sin.

Everything, really, except "Born in the U.S.A."

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Womyn's Studies

Final Exam

1) Do you have a vagina?
a) Yes.
b) I am a hate-filled crap-sack of misogyny and oppression.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen

God rest ye merry, gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember, Christ, our Saviour
Was born on Christmas day
To save us all from Satan's power
When we were gone astray
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Diversity With Optional Silencer, or How to: Make a Breakfast Shake

I like to start the day off right with a balanced breakfast shake.

But Carriere, you're thinking, I didn't know you were a health-nut.

Well perhaps, Dear Reader, you might try being a little more open minded, and not rush to judgement. Not to worry. Helping you open-mindedly appreciate the rainbow of diversity is what we do here.

Like the other day in the toy aisle when the kind lady remarked to me that she was trying to find a police badge and I pointed one out, which, I cheerily added, seemed to come with an oh-so-cool rubber bullet gun, optional silencer, and S.W.A.T. gear.

She replied in the nasal apology unique to the Sappy Urban Liberal. "I saw that. I didn't want to get it". Here she dropped her voice, conspiratorially "you know, it isn't very positive".

I decided to help her appreciate the open-minded rainbow of diversity.

"Of course I agree" I nodded with all the mock-sympathy I could muster. It seemed artificial to me, but you must remember how much mock-sympathy is a mainstay of the Sappy Urban Liberal. If you're going to reach out to these people, you need to speak their language.

I followed her lead and dropped my voice to a stage whisper, still nodding understandingly "but if you're the hostage who's just been freed by a keen eyed and morally unambiguous police sharp-shooter, you might take a view of high powered weapons that is rather more "positive".

I made finger quotes in the air, lest she mistake me.

My daily good turn thus satisfied, I went off to buy the cheapest bottle of whisky I could find.

But as I was saying, I like to enjoy the natural high of good health.

Breakfast shakes should be made properly, with fat-free milk, yoghurt, a banana, and whatever fresh fruit you have handy. And because eighty-dollar-a-bottle single malt simply has no place in a breakfast shake, you'll be needing that cheap whisky.

For extra kick, I'll toss in a few handfuls of instant coffee crystals and 500 mg of ibuprofen. Whiz in blender and serve.

I used to use Tylenol, but I read that could damage my liver.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Goldfish and Circuses

If I were blogging right now, I wonder if I would have anything interesting to say about the apparent coming short supply of bread and circuses.

Anyway I'm not.

I'm very concerned for my goldfish. They are clearly outgrowing their tank. I've never known twenty-five cent feeder-fish to last so long.

It's weird.

Friday, November 21, 2008

On leave

It happened in my kitchen the other day that I stumbled and spilled on the floor an entire bottle of gin.

I pondered the best method of recovery but being, as I was at that moment, bereft of tonic water, I could see no civilized and sensible way forward but to prepare a vodka martini right there on the linoleum.

As I finished pouring out a bottle of vodka, I realized to my terrific dismay that I'd no vermouth. I hastened at once to my goodly neighbour to enquire after a spot of it.

Moments later, vermouth in hand and feeling quite as jubilant as a French Youth who has just torched his first Citroën, I returned home to the heartrending sight of Missus Carriere having addressed the entire matter with her mop.

As you will imagine, Dear Reader, I am quite defeated.
Blogging will resume upon my recovery. In the meantime, the links, labels, and archives are not working.

Check next week.